


Christmas Spirit

by fifteen_half



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, Jeno's POV, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 06:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16908069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifteen_half/pseuds/fifteen_half
Summary: Under the twinkling lights, I couldn't help but gaze at him. He was looking at the lights around us. Intrigued, I looked as well."Beautiful," he said, awed by the brilliant night lights."Beautiful," I agreed, looking at him.Or; Jeno accidentally confesses.





	Christmas Spirit

"Why?"  
  
I expected him to scoff or laugh or to think it was some kind of joke. I even imagined him to pinch my cheeks, cooing at me for being cute, and then gently, _gently_ rejecting me because that was how Jaemin always was. But out of everything I thought would happen, I never imagined this.  
  
In a moment of insanity, I invited him to go outside with me. He was so surprised that I was voluntary leaving the dorm that he dropped everything he was doing and immediately agreed. After assuring our manager that we'd be okay, that we'd be very, very careful, and that no, we’re adults already, we’re not gonna get ourselves into trouble, we left. And even though we had to wear layers upon layers of clothing so we wouldn’t be recognized, it was fine. It was Christmas, after all. To everyone else, we were just two friends trying to keep warm in the cold, cold winter.

(Not that it was _that_ cold. I’d _never_ subject Jaemin to—I mean, even Jaemin would insist on staying at home if that were the case.)

He kept smiling at me as we walked; occasionally giggling to himself like the idiot he’d always be to me. I guess he was still amazed that I could actually leave my games for a few hours. I, taking great offense at this, kept on scowling back at him. Because _of course_ I could leave my games! There were a lot more interesting things to do than games like… like maybe hanging out at a dog café with that cute samoyed, or… or seeing some lights display at the park near our dorms!

He gave me a strange look as I said that. To my greatest relief, he simply shrugged it off.

Everyone knew I liked cats better than dogs, after all. And that I would never, ever torment myself by going to some show just to see some pretty lights. I really wouldn’t. But I saw him reading about it a few nights ago and well… I was never gonna tell him that.

There were plenty of people there when we arrived at the park, waiting for the show to begin. Some were sitting on the benches talking animatedly and loudly among themselves. Others were sitting quietly together, wide smiles stretched across their faces. Children were running around, playing with snow, their parents watching over them with the fondest of smiles. Near the fountain were all sorts of musicians, singing old songs and new, strumming away on their guitar as if there was no tomorrow. 

Jaemin had a contented look on his face while we were walking, smiling at each and every miracle we were passing by. I, in my desire to catch that smile for myself, blurted out my deepest and my most kept secret.

He looked at me for a moment before asking, "Why?"

Maybe it was something in the air, maybe it was that elusive Christmas spirit. Maybe it was how his eyes sparkled as he admired the fairy lights. Whatever it was I couldn't help myself. 

Now I’m in the middle of a crisis.

Why do I love him? Do I love him because he is beautiful and gentle and kind? Or do I love because he is the most interesting person I know, and there is never a dull moment with him? Do I love him because he makes my heart race and makes my face bloom into a thousand smiles? Or do I love him for him? Do I love him for his selflessness and generosity and his desire to make the world a better place? Do I love him for his strength, for his will to keep on standing up, to keep on smiling despite the pain? Do I love him because he is everything I want to be? Or do I love him because I need him, because I would be lost without him? Do I love him because he gives me the courage to fly, because he is the shoulder I lean on when life gets too tough? Or do I love him because I can be _me_ with him, because I can freely be myself and he wouldn't laugh from amusement or frown in disappointment?

  
Maybe I love him because  
I   
do.  
  
He sighed suddenly and continued walking. For a moment there I thought he was walking away. 

Away from me.

 

* * *

 

When I was a child, Christmas was the holiday I looked forward to the most. The lights, the sounds, the food, snow, Santa… They were all so fascinating to me. Back then, even with warning from my parents to sleep early or Santa wouldn’t come, I would sneak into our living room and wait for that beloved Christmas spirit. For many years I kept on falling asleep before midnight struck. For many years I kept on hoping to catch even a glimpse of his shadow.

For many years Christmas was my favorite, until the day I successfully kept awake and saw my dad slipping a present under the tree.

Suddenly, Christmas was no longer special anymore.

 

* * *

 

The chiming of bells alerted us of the time.

Jaemin stopped walking and said, “Hey, it’s nearly Christmas.”

And indeed it was.  
  
It didn’t matter to me though, for Christmas was just another, normal day to me.  
  
“Jeno yah.”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
"Did you really mean what you said?" he asked, “What you told me. Did you really mean that?”  
  
I hesitated, afraid of the rejection and pain that would follow.   
  
I didn’t even know what possessed me to say it to him. Before all of this happened, before all this  _mess_  happened, all I really wanted was for him to see the lights.  _Confessing_ wasn't supposed to be part of today's agenda.  
  
"...yes."  
  
Instead of replying, he stared silently at me.   
  
Around us, the lights began twinkling to life accompanied with cheerful music. It’s Christmas, and even though it was just another day for me, I am surprised I feel disappointed.  
  
There really wasn’t anything special about Christmas.

 

* * *

 

It's hard being at the mercy of unrequited love. There were days when I feel confident and want to tell him. And then I think of years and years of friendship and of trust and I refrain myself from doing so. On most days I'd tell myself to stop, to just let him go. At other times I'd lie to myself, trying in vain to conceal my emotions. But then he'd smile at me and talk to me, pat me on the back and tell me I did a great job --all it really takes is a single smile from him and I forget.  
  
I didn't have an answer to his question either. Why do I  _really_  love him? Even  _I_  don't know. All I know is that I do. I love him when he wakes up in the morning. I love him when he sleeps at night. I love him when he sings. I love him when he dances. I love him even when he does the strangest things. I love him when he speaks and when he struggles to express his emotions. I love him even when he’s the weirdest person I know.   
  
I can't really explain  _why_  I love him. Honestly, I don't know. I just do.  
  
"Why, Jeno yah?"  
  
I looked straight at him, took a deep breath and looked up. Smiling sheepishly I said, "Jaemin ah, I don't really know. Sometimes, I find myself awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how much I love you. Sometimes I wake up in morning and find myself wanting to be near you –to be with you-- forever."  
  
Laughing, I turned to him, "I could enumerate every reason why I love you but I'd take forever telling you each and every single thing. But I think the one thing that made me really fall in love, the one thing that made me realize I  _am_ in love, is because you bring out the best of myself. I love you not only for who you are, but also for what I've become because of you."  
  
I kept on looking at him, afraid he'd vanish before my eyes. And then all of a sudden, he looked at me,  _really_  looked at me... And smiled.  
  
And in that instant, the rustling leaves, the blowing wind, the couples walking along the park hand in hand, the  _entire universe_  seemed to whisper the same thing:   
  
I love you.  
  
_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._  
  
Jaemin ah, I love you.

 

* * *

 

Under the twinkling lights, I couldn't help but gaze at him. He was looking at the lights around us. Intrigued, I looked as well.  
  
"Beautiful," he said, awed by the brilliant night lights.  
  
"Beautiful," I agreed, looking at him.  
  
And then, as quickly as it had come, I thought I heard bells chiming merrily somewhere up above us.  
  
Finally, he walked towards me with a wide smile on his face --the happiest I’d ever seen. He wound his arms around my waist, slowly and gently. And then, as he placed his head carefully on my chest, on my heart, he whispered, "I love you too, Jeno. I love you even more than our fans, even more than others, but don't tell them I said that! And even if every NCTzen gets mad at me, even when you keep on complaining about my hugs, I won't ever let you go. So I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to put up with me for a very, very long time."  
  
I laughed then. And he laughed along with me.  
  
And then, under the starlit night sky, we shared our first kiss.

 

* * *

 

Back then, when I thought I’d revealed the magic, I stopped believing in Christmas. I loved the snow, the food, the endless celebrations, but the day held no meaning for me.  
  
But, as Jaemin and I walked back to the dorms together, hand in hand, with the widest smiles on our faces, I realized...   
  
There really is something special about Christmas.

 


End file.
